Pretentious Fashions Considered Dickhead-ish In London ... Are Cool in Hong Kong!

Tron style is IN this season in Hong Kong

When I saw this outfit in the window display of a trendy fashion store in Causeway Bay, I felt compelled to go inside and offer my life savings and lifetime unlimited bodily molestations to the service of gay monkey-faced midget priests with unregulated nostril hair.

Those without the gifted eye of (le) fashion, may be wondering why is this outfit so cool? I'll tell you why - for starters, it's got these cool shapes on it, like triangles, and cookie cutter moon-shaped crescents, and shit - all over the damn place, as if shapes were going out of fashion - No! Shapes will never go out of fashion dammit! When you wear an outfit like this, you get respect; total, utter, unabominable (yeah, I made that word up, so what?) respect. It's badass, because it looks like ...

this.

It's got the shapes, and shit. It's Tron, and Tron is the new black this season, if you didn't know already.

The guy pictured here, knows exactly what good fashion is, and he's got camel toe too, and camel toe is in.

Who would have believed that this 1982 movie (Tron)  could have been such inspiration for Hong Kong fashion designers?

Shapes are f*ckin' cool! I like Tron.


TRON!!

Asian-ized Styles

Walking around the luxury malls in Hong Kong really makes me feel like I am in some other world or dream.  Every globally-known brand has been Asian-ized beyond recognition!  Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that we are moving away from globalization, but this absurd localization completely destroys some brands.  

I remember drooling over the girlie, flowy dresses in the Jill Stuart New York boutique in Soho.  Their Spring '08 and '09 collections confirm they are still pretty like the old times.

However, check out what I saw in the Jill Stuart store in the Elements Mall, which is holding the same season sale:

 

For a moment, I seriously thought the salesgirls in the shop must really hated their job and played a joke on the brand.  Pardon my minimum knowledge on the retail industry, but I thought there are global standards that the local shops need to adhere to in some way?   I wonder what  Jill Stuart herself thinks about that see-through top and cropped pants display...

Just across from Jill Stuart is Daks - the classy UK brand often mistaken as a copy-cat of the locals-beloved Burberry's.  From the latest Fall/Winter '10 collection, we see simple classic ready-to-wear outfits:

Take a deep breath everyone... introducing the Fall/Winter collection of the same year in the grandiose Elements Mall...

 

... Bringin back the 90's tuck-your-skinny-pants-in-your-skinny-boots-trend.  Don't forget to add a hint of that classic pattern around the neck.  Oh and remember to tuck that neatly under the collar.  Now you can walk around proudly and buy more Asian-ized products in this shopping paradise of the world!

Drop the Crotch, And You'll Feeeeel Alriiiiight

The dropped crotch look really took off in Asia, I might add - like a fish to water, or more appropriately, like a giant steaming turd in spandex pants. Like most things in Hong Kong, where time is a bit timid to move beyond the 1980s, the latest trends from the west seemed to get lost at sea on the way here, but on this little piece of the east, people are so eager to lap up new shit to lift their meagre soggy wet tissue lives out of the boring mundane, that they often overlook the fact that most of the imported clothing and styles are pulled straight from the west's dumpster - the one with the overbearing pink neon 'FAIL' sign that morphs into a nightmarish caricature of Richard Simmons inserting his manhood repeatedly into a used shampoo bottle.

With so many large-scale retailers ever ready to exploit the naivety of Hong Kong people who have more money than you can shake a stick at, all they have to do is sponsor a few HK 'celebs' to wear and promote the white man's cast offs on the TVB television show 'Dolce Vita', and Bob's your uncle - hordes of mindless 'must look fab' fashionistas packing the stores and unloading their credit cards. Doesn't matter if it doesn't look good, it's expensive and it's new, and it's all the rage, and people buying lots of this stuff like crack - status crack - wear it, and feel rich - this is money converted into clothing, if money could become clothing, this is what it would look like ... drop crotch pants.

Jake Chan, he loves to park and sit in his fancy sports car, with the engine running, in crowded areas of town because it makes his man thing feel BIG. He drives past a group of people, and overhears, "wow, that guy must be compensating for something ..." Jake couldn't sleep for a week, he began to question the size of his manhood - it didn't help that he had a small pee-pee.

"What am I to do?" he said to himself while driving back to his cramped living quarters at Legende Royale ('everyday is a celebration of life') ... then he saw it, in the shop display window, behind a wall of shoppers who had been forced to queue outside the exclusively exclusive and empty store for absolutely no reason - DROPPED CROTCH PANTS - TO HIDE YOUR SMALL PEE PEE.

And then of course, there are the wannabes, people who are perpetually unhappy because they can't afford to have the luxury of bad taste. This guy (left pic) proves that you can recreate high class designer fashion just by rifling through your mum's wardrobe and the rubbish bin of a dead junkie. Now he can get into Lan Kwai Fong clubs like Drop without needing Li Ka-shing or a caucasian to accompany him.

Hello Kitty Nostalgia?

All my friends know I am a nostalgic person.  I kept quite a few of my childhood items: kindergarten artwork, the little monkey doll my dad got me when I was three, and of course, some of those cute Hello Kitty stationery.  Passing by this Hello Kitty adult clothing store in the MTR station every morning makes me wonder if nostalgia played a part in its popularity?  How can anyone bring themselves to wear these poorly designed clothes?!  Maybe they make women feel like five all over again? 

Oh don't be fooled by the Removal Sale sign that the shop is not doing well. Very often, I caught women rummaging through racks and checking themselves in the mirror holding the cute tops in this chain store, leaving me in awe...  I am just glad that there will be one less eye sore for me in my morning commute.

Chan Ho-Wan's Idea of Color-Co-ordination

Tycoon Joseph Lau's girlfriend #2 is making every girl in Hong Kong jealous with her regular demonstration of unique color-co-ordination and Hermes bags.  Lau is famous for rewarding his female friends with Hermes bags, sadly reminiscent of dogs marking their territories.  Bags aside, it is obvious that Chan spends sufficient time mixing and matching outfits to wow the hungry paparazzi.

How about matching coats and boots for a co-ordinated fish-monger look?

Or a pair of white slouchy ankle boots that matches that sexy white-blue number?  Oh, that lady spotting a funky orange top is Chan's mother.  Was that a tank top on a white tee?

Creativity must be passed down the generations.  Chan and Lau's daughter is already spotted carrying mini-Hermes' and mini-Valentino's, with cute cartoon sneakers and white-n-red leggings.  Why not start them young?  And is that another co-ordinated masterpiece of Chan's - giraffe-patterned top with green Hermes?  Oops, I think I just had a color orgasm...

 

To our not-so-pleasant surprises, Chan is a buddy of our "beloved" Hilary Tsui!  Welcome to the world of Hong Kong "fashionistas", folks!